Soul cramps and now…. FOG!
If you have ever driven through dense fog, you know the drill: No bright headlights, drive slowly and carefully, and watch out for other drivers. Growing up in California, I remember traveling through the central valley several times on our trips from southern California to my grandparents’ home the the San Francisco bay area. We semi-affectionately called the fog “pea soup” because it was about as opaque. When driving through dense fog, you learn to be patient and vigilant.
I feel as though I am going through that in my life right now. I had so much sudden growth, and now I have the weird sensation of feeling muddled about so many things. I know who is in my “car” with me: the people I love and need the most in this world. They are all safe, secure, and comfortable. I know who I am and where I want to go. All of my “tools” are with me. In essence, nothing is wrong.
Except that I can’t see any of my path but the step directly ahead of me.
For someone like me, a person who likes to plan and use the big picture to plot my course, not being able to see more than that single step is unsettling. I find myself looking to my left and right– and occasionally in my “rear-view” mirror — to make sure that I am indeed on the right road. My eyes ache as they search for road signs that prove I’m still headed in the right direction. I am hyper-vigilant, making sure that I am steering my vehicle correctly and that am avoiding obstacles.
In short, it’s exhausting and frustrating. I find myself battling anxiety and am a bit jumpy at shapes that loom in the fog. I wish I knew when the fog would lift!
I’m relying on my experiences with fog, in which I remember that the fog can lift gradually — or all at once — and things will become clear. I will relax into the knowledge that I’m on the right path. And if I’m not, it’s a simple matter of looking at the map and navigating back. But I might find myself in a new place that I’ve never seen before and might find something beautiful there.
Patience, I keep telling myself. Patience.