We all imagine what things will be like when we achieve that which we seek. We imagine a sense of pride, of accomplishment, or victory. No one ever talks about the sweet sadness that accompanies wondrous accomplishment: parting from people from love, changing routines, sifting through all the memories to decide which to hold in memory and which to allow the mists of time to swallow. As my family and I prepare for our new life, I find myself wanting it to begin RIGHT NOW, but I have experienced enough in this life to know that I must allow the people who care for me the time and space to say their goodbyes in their own ways.
I find myself both excited and terrified. As I prepare my classes that will start in September, I am already being stretched and challenged professionally. It’s a good stretch, but like any new muscle, I have to take it slowly and respectfully. I must permit my brain to learn the new ways of thinking and to allow the bad habits that accumulated with my last employer to fall away. I find that I have to consciously remind myself that the mistreatment I experienced before is gone and does not need to be remembered or relived in any way. It reminds me of the abuse I experienced at the hands of my previous husbands, and am glad that I learned how to overcome the trauma to love my darling Chris as much as he deserves. In both cases, it has taken time and patience with myself and reminders that what happened was abusive and that the past cannot be changed– but the future is free to be shaped in love.
One of my news feeds had the term “relentless transformation” as part of its text. I feel as though that’s what is happening with my family and I right now. We are on the fun part of the roller coaster– with all the thrilling speed and loop-de-loops — and have no choice but to continue along. After all the waiting, the transformation feels at times like it moving too quickly, and at other times like it is dragging, like any thrill ride I’ve ever experienced. The pile of packed boxes grows like the roses outside the window and my bedroom is beginning to look less and less like “me.” Chris and the girls are excited, and I am so glad that they trust me so wholeheartedly that they are accepting this move to a place where only I have been– and I have been there only once.
I have faith that it will be worth all the journey. What’s my next destination? I have some small and large ones already in mind.